White Rice Recipe
A simple, nutritious meal.
Alex Muka is Non Grata’s first and only staff writer, our official food critic. If you’re looking for something easy and tasty to make for dinner tonight, check out the short recipe below. It’s a quick two-minute read and, depending on the cook, can be made even faster in the kitchen. As always, if you’d like to read this in print, you can order the first issue from our website or by subscribing on Substack. Enjoy.
White Rice. The epitome of bland. Tasteless. Scentless. Colorless. There are plenty of ways to impress a woman and, on first thought, making white rice might not enter the top one thousand. Shit, in theory, it should barely crack the top one hundred thousand. There are places you can take a woman, things you can buy her, jokes you can crack, muscles you can flex, bank accounts you can accidentally show… Hell, if you’re a halfway decent writer you can even show her your Substack (yuck)! Yet you’d be surprised that none of the aforementioned acts will give her the same satisfaction as you placing a pot of rice over a burner and cooking up some of that “bland” goodness after a night out. Because, dear reader, cooking is just like sex.
I know what you’re thinking. What would making a bland, tasteless, scentless, colorless carbohydrate have to do with sex? Well, let’s be honest fella, you’re probably a bland bed partner right now. Your brain is probably so doped up on porn and YouTube videos that you think a woman wants to be pounded, for hours on end, until she’s screaming for you to stop. This, I’m afraid, is not what a woman wants. Hate to break it to you, but PornHub lied.
What you might not understand is that if you bring a woman home after a night out, and you head to the kitchen, fill the pot about half way with rice, mix it with a table spoon of vegetable oil, and then you fill the pot up with water just above the rice, and the water starts to take on a milky quality—what you might not yet understand is that the woman you’re lucky enough to be with is inferring a few things.
First, she knows you can listen and remember. Your dumb ass did not come up with this cooking method out of thin air. Someone taught you. Most likely a woman. And you remembered it down to the measuring of the oil, the color of the water above the rice. She now knows you can take direction. This is good.
Second, she knows that you have done this before. Not the sex, the cooking. You’ve taken time out of your life to acquire a skill that is geared towards pleasing others. Here’s another tidbit you might not be aware of—sex is all about pleasing the other person. Your porn-warped brain thinks you’re the star of the show, and this could not be further from the truth. If you want to be a pleasurable bed partner, concentrate on the pleasure of the partner you are in bed with.
When the rice is cooking over high flame, with the top off, the real magic starts to happen. White rice, as I’ve mentioned, is bland. If you don’t put any salt on it, when done, you might as well be eating papier-mâché. But when the water begins to boil, get your ass to the fridge and find something to add to it. Eggs, for instance. Crack two in a frying pan drizzled with olive oil. Cook them sunny side up and turn the heat off while there is still some gooey yolk. When waterless holes start popping up through the rice, and you hear the bottom start crackling, turn the heat on low and cover it for about ten minutes.
This last and final act, as you place the eggs over the bowl of rice, adding salt and pepper, will assure her that you, good sir, are not a bland bed partner. It will assure her that you can bring something else to the table. It will assure her that she has not made the biggest mistake of her life going home with the likes of you.
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